Self-acceptance is hard for me. I have struggled with accepting myself just as I am, however that may look, sound, or feel on any given day. I teach this practice, among many other social-emotional ones, to those around me. When straying from my daily mindfulness course, I suffer the consequences. My mind can justify my choices and often does.
On the other hand, my body is always alerting me to get back on course, and sometimes it takes a tremendous gesture to get my attention. Sometimes my body simply calls BULL SHIT on how I am not living what I teach. And I have no right to teach it if I am not living it.
A few weeks ago, I shared my Summer Slow Down journal article. I lied in that essay. I was creating an image of a woman who only had leisure, self-care, and FUN! While there were SOME truths in it, I failed to share the whole reality of my life: I’m still a mother raising three teenage boys who are each going through their simple, complicated shit, and I am the keeper of it all. I am the wife of a man who works and golfs a ton in the summer and struggles with his own simple, complicated shit. And yes, I hold that for him, just like our sons. I am the arranger and holder of all the heart spaces and logistics in our family.
And then there’s ME –
Yes, I am within this family system too! I have my own simple, complicated shit that I often fail to hold because I have no more room left in my arms. I struggle with my middle-aged body lately as I watch and feel it change right before my eyes. And I have not spoken kindly to my body or about it. I struggle with my emotions as they are flying all over the place, and my temper is quick to rise. And I have not spoken kindly to my heart or about it. I struggle with my mind, and my thoughts direct my every move by demanding I appear to the world in a certain way: carefree, leisurely, fun, spontaneous, and flowy – especially in summer. And I listen to them as truth and follow their commands. I claimed to be meditating longer, but I have not. I’ve skipped them on a regular basis, and have not given my soul the time and space it needs to breathe. My body, heart, and soul have been vying for my attention, and I have not been in balance for awhile.
My Body Calls Bull Shit
Several weeks ago, my body got my mind’s attention and called me out on the false appearance I was spreading to those around me. I suffered a bowel obstruction which stopped me in my tracks. This one took longer to work through than the previous ones. So I sat in a hospital bed for several days, hooked up to IV fluids, with pain meds at my disposal. I had to allow the blocked shit in my system to work through and out of my body.
Yes, you read that correctly. Shit and bull shit were taking over my life and were literally blocked within me. My body made it clear to my heart, soul, and mind: it’s time to let go of the appearance of who I THINK I should be and present who I am.
And who I am is:
- chaotic and calm;
- full of rage and also peace;
- both the problem and the solution;
- afraid and fearless;
- active and passive;
- so very wise and little bit reckless.
I am Always BOTH, AND. I am rarely Either Or.
What makes life BOTH simple AND complicated is that rarely are human interactions one way or another. Life is not up or down, slow or fast, fun or boring. Life is always BOTH, AND.
I have returned to my daily mindfulness practice. These are the benefits I will receive from it:
- I will work to ensure that the outer appearance I share with the world reflects my inner reality.
- I will actively work through any shit I may be harboring as not to have it build up within me.
- I will honor the needs of my heart, soul, and body. And I will temper my mind with curiosity.
- I will practice accepting the whole of who I am every day, and I will be kind and curious to her.
- And, I will continue to share all of her with you.
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