Disappointment

I’ve had a good share of disappointments in my life – I am human, so they are bound to occur! This latest one had me noticing several things.

What Happened

I had applied for something that appeared to be the perfect professional fit. There were four rounds to this application process, and I was waiting to hear if I’d advance. Early in the week, I was told I was invited to round 3. Later in the week, I was told my invitation was a mistake, and I was no longer a part of the process. Needless to say, deep disappointment sunk into me at that moment. I could feel it in my gut, like a punch, with my mind spinning trying to make sense of what I’d done wrong.

Mindfulness

I define mindfulness as paying attention to what’s happening right now, on purpose, with kindness and curiosity. Many people assume it is a meditation to bring enlightenment and serenity. In all actuality, it is just noticing what is happening in the moment and refraining from judgment about whatever it is.

What I Noticed & What I Know:

• My body felt the blow of rejection. WHY? Because we carry our emotions in our bodies.

• My mind began telling stories to paint a picture of me as the good guy and the company as the bad one. WHY? This is because, from an evolutionary standpoint, our brains must make sense of each situation; its default is to create a good and bad category.

• I wanted to talk with someone immediately to clarify this mistake. I wanted to plead my case for why I was the best choice for the position. WHY? I wanted to avoid the feeling of rejection. I wanted to put it on the person who rejected me. I wanted to fix the situation and make it disappear rather than sit with it.

• Old storylines of me not being good, competent, or qualified enough began to surface. WHY? Because memories from childhood – adulthood experiences live in our memories and bodies, too.

Where I Am At Now

The initial blow and mind fuck have subsided with some time and distance from the event. First, I push the curiosity button whenever I notice my mind spinning tales of good and bad or I hear justification or qualification in my words. Next, I practice the SACRED PAUSE and remind myself of my goodness, capability, and worth. Finally, I allow space to feel disappointed, hurt, and embarrassed because I know these feelings will pass.

And I choose to let the undercurrent of my FAITH slip into consciousness.

I sit with my deeply felt faith, knowing it is lined with uncertainty.

And it is this unknowing and uncertainty that is precisely what makes it faith. I am reminded that no matter the outcome, all will be okay.